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May 31 2021
Last night she almost died. I had her passing out every 3 seconds or so. I asked her what she took to be so out of it, she swore it was the nothing but the same stuff , Noticing her state of denial and the obvious drifting off in the process of having this conversation, I got upset and kept telling her to stop lying, cause just hours before in that day she brought a friend over to our house, this person was there to give her a "tie over," cause she had taken all her meds and had to wait a few days for the refill. 
Just the night before I walked by her in one of her moments and she fumbled around with her ipad like she didnt want me to see what she was doing..I pressed her to tell me what she was doing..she was flipping reasons around to why to not show me the screen..It was obvious she was trying to hide something..with her history of doing this type of thing..I stood my ground and didnt give in, after a few minutes back and forth, she finally told me she was giving/loaning a lady 300 dollars, well this same lady shows up the next day with and exchange of pills to tie her over..the odd thing about this lady is we keep running into her in the stores ..and she lives way the hell in another town, 20 minutes away..and these two always bump into each other? .the following week before she wanted me to take her to the store..and it was like realy specific to go to the store at 11..I dint think twice...got to the store ..i noticed this lady sitting in her car as we pulled in..i realized it was the same lady she always been chummy with..the thing is that it took me about 2 minutes to park and let her get out to go in..and i can see the lady in her car, but i didn't mention it..i just watched, so my wife gets out to walk in the store and THEN the lady sees her and then jumps out of her car to follow her into the store....I walked in to see if if anything was going down..and i couldn't find either of them for about a minute or so..looking from isle to isle i finally found my wife and told her "hey,so and so is here, did you two talk yet?" she swore..nope. and the thing is..I found out she had a secret separate phone stashed in her drawer that she was using to text with to talk with this same lady just weeks before.. i mentioned this in my last entry about her texting someone ..turns out it was this lady she was texting (so she says) .. Anyway, back to the point that she paid this lady 300 dollars and she came over the following day, this whole meeting felt like some crazy drug exchange..she drove up our drive way..had some strange dude in the passenger seat..who got out and walked around the front of our house with his pit bull kind of dog..while this lady came in and walked through my house with my wife passing her drugs in one form or the other..money being sent into this ladys account a day before..yea.."ladys borrowing it"..yea right.. ...so two and two..yea..really.."a tie over?" and all the random bumping into one another at the store.. Come on..and just like 3 or 4 hours after this transaction my wife is loaded so bad she cant keep her eyes open.....
So wife's telling me she not high, all in my head..yada yada..I told her im done going through the lies and start to pack..as usual she gets mad and emotional, she say im crazy and paranoid, and need to stop accusing her ..not fair , not fair..and who do i think i am..yada yada..so she comes up with this idea to vindicate herself , to prove that IM crazy..she wants to go to the ER and get a test to show me she didnt take anything..and that if nothing is found i can shut up forever about it. So i said "BET..lets go"..
 So off we went to ER, they tested her and said ...yep your overdosing, the test shows your on Opiates, Benzodiazepine, Percocet or Vicodin, and whatever elese she was on.. but the real kicker was that mixing them all was for sure why she was so high..and she was telling the doctor that she didn't take some of the things that came out in the test..and it must be some mistake..she must have rubbed against something that had percocet or vicodin..and it got into her system somehow...ya see? no chance to get the truth out...who do i believe now? the test of course. but thats still no good cause she now says the test is lying. She even said a few times that I call this down from God to make her high, and me and God are against her teaming up to make her into this person. lol like when i found the extra phone hidden in her drawer she said "you forced me to do it" . and all i want to do is see her badly, and all the things good she ever did is suppose to allow for her to do bad things ...sigh, anyway.

We went home after they gave us a prescription to fill that is some sort of spray inhaling thing..that will revive her when and if she stops breathing.. so now im just going to go home and WAIT for her to stop breathing now?!! this is our life day in day out now? mind you , this is all self induced. so her choice ..yes? what am i doing here? I dont have any place to go, walking away from her right now seems reckless,, she has this emotional self destructive streak now thats so raw. and obviously dangerous.  always feels like a volatile situation, that something realy bad is about to happen. feels like im standing on a mine. its as though im destined to be here to the end of this..and I pray all the time its not going to be anything bad, that she will wake up and turn and it will change for the better. 

It comes in waves now..every other day..at best we go one week and its without these emergency emotional meltdown incidents.  soo sad.,
I put in applications to community's that might be excepting interns..maybe someone will open their doors and i can leave this nightmare to take a break ..get some air to replenish my heart, gain some refreshed perspective. Theirs only so much i can do to not loose my shit just standing by all this. 

so..here I am reporting to this screen that this is still happening .hmm
Thinking about my kid in the middle of all this whos stuck here if i go, She wont let me take him and im not even allowed to take our car to pack if i go. no money, no car, no friends. no phone. no place to go. just me with my bad feelings about her being loaded..and then whole time she claims its all in my head... yea..she right, if i dont care. i dont react. so I just watch this all burn and act like its a normal day... well, it aint. and im not running to leave Eno sitting with her all jacked up like this day in and day out..but what can i do? yea, i go and hes gonna find her dead in one of her usual head back half falling in a sitting position...her usual normal day. but with her out cold.dude..i have no clue what im suppose to do now.I contacted every church in my area to ask if theyy can sit with me for a family counseling session..i dont even care what denomination, id join a church if they could help, Id pray every day, as I already do, id sweep the church everyday, paint it..whatever..whats it gonna take? nobody's contacted me back, and I tried 4 of them. even gone to AA for several days, gone to every social services meeting and sat with a few cops for advice..while still staying away from CPS of course. I dont want to have Eno be taken , she would loose her shit and do herself in for sure from that..just to say ..i been going through this for years doing this and nothing is getting better. just worse. I feel stupid cause i cant figure this out. and i type all this to put a message in a bottle like some ship wrecked person to toss it out into waves...whos reading this? .why bother? cause ..this..this is my story...pray for me.