Monday, September 20, 2021
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Update: Dec 13 2020
 
I guess i gotta tell the universe  "thank you", turns out things took a weird turn for the better, its not a sure thing, but it does have a few weeks now telling this to be something worth mentioning. The spells stopped and its like the clouds started to dissolve, some sun coming through and the rain stopped. After having sat through the idea of taking off, I tied myself to the chair and went through a good week of defeated self defeat drama...i sat in for a good long time..i just started to feel like i could just not attach myself to it. I walked past enough to know there was a separate space i could breath in..I then realized that Im not this storm, im just going through it...I can put myself in place in my head that I know Im better then this, So..a few trys at that and I watched as in her world she came to a place where she broke herself..i remember seeing her wake up after one of these spells and she couldn't remember anything..there were like a couple of those back to back..and then..it was her looking at herself without a mind sort of thing..she didn't know what day or how to talk in fact..sentences just didn't make any sense..its like when someone who has amnesia forgets how to talk..Im sure that was a shock for her cause soon as that episode played, It just stopped. she regained her mind after about a week and she began to sort her life out ..I stood by encouraging and cheering her on..so happy she pulled the plug out of whatever that was, I stated to pull some of the tracks back up and made attempts to clean up her chair in the studio so in the off chance she would find a spark to find her way to it. That didn't happen..in fact the whole idea was as it always was..she never brought it up and i stayed away from pushing it. I might have mentioned it a few times, but gave it up seeing that she was more into her daily hourly ritual of cultivating her safety bubble while she listened to her hip hop dance videos and chasing her lifestyle of music she was obviously into.
So I realized my music wasn't something she could ever get into being that inspired about, at the heart of it, I worked with real enthusiasm before and know the difference when someone is just playing like they just want the Idea and dont want to work at it...I decided to make an add and post it up someplace inviting struggling artist that might be opened to having me as a member or player. I took to forcing myself onto an acoustic guitar and making my way into relearning the concept of "play and sing". I sound raw and just like im learning...If thats all i can be..then thats were youl find me..start fresh and work my way to finding friends that want to make music for the love of it..I bought a backpack and a sleeping bag, i was on my way to buying a tent and i let her in on the idea that i was going to do that and she cleaned out my bank card and i been tryen to get money in to get one..we got a settlement from and old case in the last few weeks.I somehow got talked into giving it all to her for Christmas, all gone.it was just about 800 dollors. could have been enough for me to get a tent and few other items like a case for my guitar ..socks, pants, headlamp..etc.*poof* gone before i seen it. a week after that we got a 60 day notice to move out, turns out they sold the place ..landlord pointed us to another place we could go so we tossed in our application for that..and you know what..its down the block to the place she gets all her pills (that 'dont exist.') .as apposed to now its a 20 minute drive to that.hmm.i can see it coming, not to doubt in hopes presence, but i find all this like a bat signal screaming for "help". is this change for the good? or..but in case. .I started looking into communes to join..i found a couple i could toss in my application.. i found a site that matches you with other travelers to places..so i dont go out alone into the wild..lol.. broke like a joke and just a guitar with no songs lol..what the hell?. so last few days i gave it a shot and connected to a live webcast spot and turned on the stream and did a wild freestyle jam..made it up on the spot..I mean gotta start someplace right? lol I could even read the chat while i was streaming..i didnt know how to get it to pop up in the screen without it jacking up the streaming app..i got dsl speeds ..i get at best something like kbs per sec upload, not mgb . anyway..did like 3 hours of jamming and it saved itself online to the stream site..I found it after and deleted it..i was so embarrassing. I downloaded the vid so can review to find a few songs scrap ideas to start my new career with. lets just say from sifting through it, i wanted to hurt myself and just end it. I put it up on soundcloud and on the music page , Its all i have left..what am i gonna do? I gave her hints i put up a few tracks that i just did..she didnt hear them or ask me for the links ever since..been a couple of days now..bet you ..i can bet you ..as i type this..if if i just walked into her room right now, I can bet you shed be in her bubble on her headphones listening and watching her hip hop dance videos. Yea i get it..its her life and shes into what she wants..let her be..fair..
just dont send her in my bubble pretending to be interested or a part of whats happening with me musically , never mind. I get it. trust me..our dynamic is so done.
Anywayyyy
I looked into Patreon last night and holy crap was that always that complicated? turns out silent company was already registered..had to use her name and stuff to get into it, sigh..dude..its hard for me..seriously. i should be homeless and eating out of soup kitchens right now, at this point im wanting a drink so I can call it my new lifestyle..yea..next on my list guitar case and tent..going to poke around my town see what turns up.