Sunday, May 19, 2024
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UPDATE: Jan 15th 2020
As for any progress to anything in regards to this project, I have not had any updates. its been years now and still no changes except that its getting more closer to ending. I dont seem to have the same drive or inspiration to be up to making anything like a movie or compiling an album out of the demo quality songs that collected into the work of "Incarnation".
Having been going through the battle of my partners addiction to pain pills along with her ever growing side effects from this experience, Its left me hopeless and drained of any inspiration.
I also have my struggle with depressions and sadness on the count of all I personally have been through before now.
I am drug free myself and have had my struggles with getting off them way back in my late teens. But through the grace of God I have managed to stay clean and sober since then with just a few short lived relapses.
I've lost mostly all of my inspiration to be productive anymore. I'm feeling completely and utterly hopeless most of the time now,  I pray about it constantly for help to change, I pray for things to work themselves out so that we could get back to work on our music, and to finally press this album of ours.  But for years now its been slowly getting worse, like were stuck in an endless loop of hoping and praying and then facing failure despair as a result.
It all started to end when we completed writing our songs for the album back in 2016.  We put our songs out there raw in their rough draft state to test what tracks had promise. Most of them took on a life of their own and gained allot of interest with the public. We collected the best of all our work and decided to take them to their next level.  We began to shop around for session players, a studio, and a producer.  We had began meeting with a producer name Sefi Carmel who agreed to be our producer for a set price. We then found a drummer and an cello performer. The drummer possibly had our rhythm section, we just needed to set up a budget so he could pitch it to them. We had a film guy and made arrangements to meet with him to discuss how many cameras and what type of gear we were going to use to shoot a documentary style film.  We began researching locations for filming and story boarding concepts for some of the songs we were thingking to start the film with and began meetings about funding.
Then within a few weeks it all went out the window. We got thrown out of our place by police and had our entire home and work confiscated.
I was under the impression rent had been paid, but for months, it hadn't. I didn't even know, I was left in the dark not able to even see it coming till it was a pay or quit notice.  Turns out my wife and then business partner had worked up a complicated mess with our financial arrangements by placing all of our funds in a pinch with one of our long running clients, but when our client failed to pay up what was past due. Our whole operation collapsed . Having seen this as a possibility long before, I asked my partner to set up insurances ahead of it. but despite having suggested it several times as far back as a year, I was ignored.
In the end. we ended up in court fighting to prevent the results, and lost.
 We paid off what was past (truly) due, (she kept changing the past due amounts) yet we still could not stay, after the fight in court the landlord got so bitter she decided she had enough of our drama and denied us renting back the space.
The court allowed us a week to pack and vacate BUT! only a few days after court, cops came armed and threw us out giving us only 20 minutes to pack.
We drove away with blankets and our cloths, not having room or time to take our pets. We planed to come back for them, but we were warned that we would be arrested if we came back onto the property. Animal control took custody of our pets. charged us with abandonment, and to this day are still dealing with getting any of our pets back.
Allot of mistakes were made in the paperwork, in the court proceedings, and all through out the legal process of this nightmare. Turns out it was illegal how they did mostly all of this.
All this exploded just in a matter of weeks after sitting in meetings talking about our album and shooting a movie.
I never even seen it coming. it just showed up ..I never even knew she had an addiction problem until all this began to happen.
I did all I could to reclaim and bring us back to a "home" here in our new place. back as it was before except for our pets.
BUT we still have her opiate addiction...yep still here...even more obvious then before because its up front this time.
I'm alone in my struggles to find what I had before all this. nothing changed except the place we lived and the part of me that music came from.
I don't have a clue anymore how to tap back into it. Like someplace inside is afraid to open that place up again. Those who know my history would understand this about me, my whole life's story has been a struggle to get my music to happen.
I pray all the time for it to come back. but its been years now. still nothing like before. yea I can play any of the old tracks, a little guitar along side with them..strum some chords on a guitar..but its dim and fading. and it becoming sad as hell listening to it dim out.
I want to take this site down and tell everyone its over. and i just keep saying give it another week. maybe something will change. someone new will come around and give me a charge and it will run again, who knows.
  Even if a million dollars showed up right now. I don't see how that could fix whats broken..shes broken and fading away inside her drug induced state of mind, and watching this everyday play out is eating me away.
I'm broken.
Money would just get her more drugs and further lost. whatever s left of hope will just become useless.
I get constant panic attacks now when she talks with slurs in her speech and she rolls her eyes back in her head whenever she nods off into those random opiate daydreams. Her ramblings run off into grand story's..loosing conversations that have meaning into off the wall points that are out of context.
The worst part about it is theirs no way she will admit WE have a problem! try and snap her back into reality only causes her to have an emotional melt down. I wont even mention what that looks like. lets just say Im not qualified to help her in that kind of state. But I cant just leave her like that either!  Rehab is a joke to her. she doesn't  even see herself having a problem. Its me whos having a problem with her drugs. I'm totally stuck in a crazy mind loop here..years of this now..and I'm loosing my mind, from the results seems like I did already.
I hate drugs! i love living raw clarity. see now thats just the worst part..its raw despair. At least if i was drinking i could blame the drinking for having something to do with the despair. even get some relief.
getting real close to taking that road.
Her running to these doctors to get her prescriptions filled , she sits for hours with them now, she came out recently from one of these appointments talking about how she now has lupus. its something new every time she goes it seems, she talking diabetes like its a one up on a game level . not like she has it..its like a goal!
Dont get me wrong, all these things are serious and i get scared for her life every time she drops one of these on the table. I get sad and mad and freaked out all at once. again an again. its like flash back to the day she got hit by that car and i held her head up on the side of that road in the dark as the cars headlights drove by shedding light on her eyes as she had what looked to be at the time to be a huge gash on the top of her head and her brains hanging out, while she said "i can feel my toes". always that same panic of im loosing her. I cant seem to dial that feeling back..its either on or off with her. im doing my best to keep perspective.
Her sleeping all day thing is not really a problem for me..i want her to rest, but shes always soo tired and cant seem to function normally for more then an hour or two.
I used to feel bad like I believed all her aces and pains and tried my best since 2002 to be understanding and be support but i dont see how im helping anymore. in fact im writing all this just to myself  because i dont have anyone I could trust to talk to about any of this. nobody. been like that for sooo many years now. keep our private life safe from haters and people who are constantly trying to take advantage.
  I suppose if i post this, it be like a message in a bottle tossed in an ocean of cyber space,  maybe like in a hundred years someone will read it. It feels like writing this at the least feels like I can talk to hope..even if its just a thought .