Tuesday, June 18, 2024
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UPDATE: Feb 11 2020
I just went through 2 days straight on holding on to my sanity while she was fucked up on her opiate pills , there was no talking to her reasonably about anything. I tried to hang and be cool, but something snapped. something inside just stopped ticking.  found her in my heart laughing at me for trying. enough.
I give up.
Time for me to move on and let this just go where it goes..I cant anymore.
Just so people know..this page will come down sooner or later cause all hell is gonna start happening after i walk off this stage. but who knows..all this could change for the better for her now that im gone as she can live her life as she wants. funny how I somehow feel guilty for wanting to survive this. 17 years with her tells me I tried and failed to make it any better. its just gotten worse , maybe she can survive the change when professionals catch up to her. Im not good at all at fixing this for her, let alone can i see what I can do for fixing whats left of me after this.  walken down the road blind and broken for tryen already.

hey before anyone thinks i didnt give it enough, i been on this ride for the last 4 years with her loaded on this stuff. and been the one wiping the drool off the side of her lip along side with the tears when it became so obvious we were hurting from all this. Hell , i dont know how long shes been on the stuff cept for the last 4 years when it just became one crisis event to the next , what,  you think im suppose to soften up and get all supportive ? how about i started with that and it took it all away , is that something that real people can go through? does it get to that place when it melts through the skin and tear into a bone? nah. im super man an endless supply of having someone you love with all your heart walk down a 4 lane highway as the cars scream past and you know they are drunk and cant reason what is right in front of them? how about that person is a mother to your 14 year old kid! who has medical issues himself and cant reason through any kind of drama past a tiny cut,  so whats coming next?? i can see it . she doesn't care!?? she thinks im over reacting! do you? holy shit man!! yea! someone better cause .. never mind!
see this is like the level of drama that fires through my days and nights now..just breathing this and reasoning on ways to work through it so it dosnt go to that bad place for anyone here.  like im dong a good enough job now when she does what she wants and lies to hide it to my face as she slips into a mini coma between her thoughts  so much so i have to snap her back to being awake. for the last two nights she literally gets knocked out ,she falls asleep in one position and doesn't even move till she wakes up many hours later without a stir. dude its obvious..its dead sleep. coma like. shallow breaths..like shes not breathing...thats rare for her..and scary as shit to lay next to her like that to even try and sleep myself. trust me i wake up allot to check and see if she breathing..fuck man! what its come to.
 I already took her once to the ER because she was so loaded. they just said to her cut it back..cut it out. and sent her home after she acted all this was a misunderstanding ..like ooops too much last night.
yea were all adults here ..but seriously, stupid can get real at any age.
its like a train wreck and were caught in suspended animation and can see whats next..any second now.
I worry about my kid the most through all this..I wanna jump off and catch him. and her! but ya know..? yea.

reasonably i should just get off this ride and get my head together to fix what i can when it slides off the side of the road. at least in that place i can control what sort of drama lands in my kitchen, I can cook through that kind of sense rather then this melt down to feed out what I can call good to someone who might want it. or better yet use it for some good. like Eno. hes only 14 .

see i dont want to be the one to make things go where they want to go anyway. I have to jump the damage and rush to the catch. did it before through 3 kids with my other wife of 16 years. but in that instance i couldn't make it work out either. and didn't have a choice in that instance to play this same card. didn't end on the count of drugs then. it just ended cause of differences and pent up spite. Kids ended up hating me and i couldn't recover the aftermath. they hated i got married again, they hated my music and they hated me. i hated life living through all of it..bet they would love to see this end for me here. hell, so many haters , people i thought were friends who flipped on me , so many i stand alone right now. yep. not a person to tell . lol.  wow what a life right?
yea ..hero to none villain to all. how come? hell i dont know ! seriously. Im the last to know and the first to go.

odd though , im sooo numb right now ..sober for so many years still and typing all this..just feel dumb and stupid.
like i messed up finding the fix for any of this, and I feel like I deserve it somehow,

fug it. its just life. real as it gets..

see ya on the other side of this.

Cheers .