Ok, I just had to do it, I have been going through back to back days of her constantly being in this doped up medicated state and have been diligent on trying to nail down a good reason for me to stick it out and commit my efforts to trying to make things different , it feel like down deep i been seeing this moment coming that i am in now..I been somehow trying to steer away from this being a thing i have to go through. I mean after all the effort to try and make things different and stick to the plan to be a good person through this..be of support and yada yada..I dont know..but i tried to be that person. .anyway..its been days and as anyone following this can see..its been a long time..months..and years now even..I can only go through this sort of stuff before im not a person..it eats at me everyday now..trying to wake up and hope..and inch my way through this with some dignity.Anyway..so I been trying to get her to level with me about whats going on..what shes taking and whatever..just to get me out of the dark cause I want to try to be legit and right about all thats is our life together ..and she boldly tells me shes not on anything..even when all her actions and symptoms scream "Doped up high" ..she swears.and keeps coming after me to force me to check my thinking..its always that i see it wrong and making it up from my anxiety...dude..It soo stress full yes..and its driving me crazy..i dont even know if im sane anymore..after tonight i know that i am..and ill get into that..after all these days she came to me last night and said sorry i hurt you, cried on my shoulder and i let things go..but that never told me that i was right..just like if someone crys and says im sorry YOU are hurting about all that YOU are going through..thing. so she did mention it in one of her heated temper tantrums about how im disillusioned and should record her to vindicate HER..well..i woke up with a inner hunch to do it today..i did record her in spots before..but kept the recordings in case, I know that if I ever shown her these, its would make her have melt down, getting her to chase me around endlessly to erase them, I figured id hold on to them in case i have to prove myself if anything ever went bad, seeing she has this tendency to make me a scapegoat to bury her own ass from troubles she creates for herself and wont face up to...So today i followed this hunch. she went on her little run out to the store today..like it was some grand emergency....because she already knew i was going to be busy doing things. She rushed out to use that time i told her last night i want to get done a few things and didn't want to go out..even though last night a barely got any sleep due to her being supper high and playing her head games,trying to convince me that im crazy....so while she went out i put the camera on this shelf in the room she hides out in to get high..and I set it to record..and wouldn't you know..the film shows, her coming back from her store run, pulling things out of her purse peeking around the cracked bedroom door..stuffs it in these little spots in the back of her drawer and then proceeds to take them back out ..puts a few in her hand and pops them..drinks something..yada yada..the whole time peeking around the half closed door to make sure im not coming..she does this whole routine..It shows i come in a few minutes later and ask her if shes taken any meds yet....cause i have to be sure, knowing the camera is running, i need her to be obvious , so theres no misunderstanding. and she swears!, puts her hand up and swears "no"..after seeing the video..i was like WTF? video shows i leave the room..the film shows her digging through her purse, pulling something else out and then hiding that...who knows..peeking round the door..seeing this all after..im screaming in my head..See!!..IM not crazy.!! I get real scared inside ..seeing this..waking up to it..like who is this person who can swear to my face and to God and turn and do this?? .I know that confronting her will produce a melt down that i might end up in jail for the shit she could lie about to spite me for standing up for myself..shes gonna turn this on me..shes such a fucked up person ..she lies all the time..caught her using my name for loans behind my back and god know what else.. shit..my credit is shot cause of her doing this to me without my knowing.i couldn't even get my share of my stimulus checks that came, and for what it looks like I cant ever get any of the ones if they ever come....i get lied to all the time..ALL the time! any subject..dude..so fucked. what eles is she doing with my name? I cant see a way out..i tryed to pray..i emailed pastors and tried to talk to..hoping God would lend me a rope through this..nothing bu the voice in my head..and this blog...I find this very disturbing and as of tonight..i dont know if im going to make it..this could be my last post ever. Im a few hours away from having to confront her to vindicate that im not crazy and for the reason she will go crazy! i might record it just in case to save myslef if shit happens..or tell the story of what happened to me, god i hope she doesnt do anything stupid...i dont think im going to make it..I dont know what she capable of ..how dark does a person have to be to do this to someone that loves them..i rather not tell her really..but somehow i feel she will win over the only thing i have left..my sanity, and not being ashamed or afraid to be able to stand up for myself. God help us all. I dont know who shes texting in the room besides all this..who knows..vid shows her doing that on and off too..i know she threw a sim card out the car window when i accidentally found another phone in the car that was locked with a password..she said she was trying get into it and i said i could do it..she knows i could..so she took the sim out and threw it out the window..go figure lol..for real..eno was in the car for that one, seen and heard the whole thing....anyway.. very sad about all this guys..im not sure how im going to get through the night..heavy sinking sadness..no one to talk to..and i feel cornered..Im not mad..im just realy sad ..very sad..mad isnt even showing up..i guess the mad in me went all into fighting off the IDEA that she wanted me to be the one crazy..and now that i know im not..(almost believed i was) Im relieved and just very very sad ..this sadness hurts sooo bad guys..broken heart for sure feels like it broke my spirit too
I put this video together to show that im telling the truth. My story is real.