Monday, September 20, 2021
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Update: October 21 2020

Still here, waiting for her to change , still dealing with her getting loaded and preaching like shes just tired, I cant confront her she now gets dramatic and starts fights , follows me around now taunting me to say anything about it, she attacks any word I try to use in attempt to describe what im seeing, screams that i dont have the right to accuse her of taking anything, that if i dont have proof, i cant say or think shes blah blah ..so just say to her shes showing "symptoms" of being under the influence, and leave it there, but nooo, Im crazy! seeing things, its all in my mind, and when i start to leave to get away to deal with my emotions about it all, she gets aggressive, starts to follow me around , grabs the phone..takes the car keys, locks me out, tells me i cant even pack my stuff to leave..and then tops it off with beating herself when i say i want to call the cops for help..she wont even let me use the phone that is "both ours"   Im feeling trapped and crazy as she attacks my ability to reason to deal with any of this on my own, she blames me for talking to my kids about it..who are grown up adults who have family's of their own..i took some video of her in this state..nodding out in between conversations , so many times that i could record it happening, this is my daily life for months...use to be every other day or so..now its getting to be regular life around here...I dont run around all the time with a camera..its just that she making me feel i need to prove it ..god forbid i show her herself on video..she will attack me endlessly. claim i dont have a right to video her, stalking me around provoking me to delete it..dont people do that on their phones when they are being put into positions that are out of the ordinary? dont i get to document what im going through? im ALWAYS telling her now to go take a nap ..but she wont..she walks around and does things in fits, i should also mention the part that she builds her self up into a rage and balls up her fists and  proceeds to beat herself..literally punching herself in the head, shes the kind of person im learning now that will say i did that to her..seriously am starting to see that come out now as who she really is..this beating herself has always been a thing with her..she gets really emotional like that, builds things up into these psychotic tantrums - she looses her shit, i dont know why i was shocked one time when i went to grab my cloths out a drawer to put them into a garbage bag, to hurry up and get away from her.. she came at me so fast grabbing things out of my hand, i put my hand up to push her hand away from grabbing my cloths, then she started screaming i assaulted her..like someone was in the room ..it was just soo crazy..who was she yelling that too? always taking it to extreme mode.
Im not seeing any way to fix this except to get myself out of here..shes getting violent and more aggressive now in her attacks to push fights when i try to avoid her, i tell her she too loaded for me to be around she comes after me taunting me to prove it.-..but how.do i prove it? .she will deny and delete anything i could show her, i know better to try any more, its just opens me up to her attacks..she gets aggressive and abusive provoking me so i cave to say she not high..im making this all up and that I dont have any right to claim what is my own opinion that she is high and loaded, on something - i dont know what anymore... -Im trying to leave, I dont have no place to go, no job, no money, no friends that can help. 
but..i want to get her some help, but when she doesn't even want it cause shes fine..its just me..and if i leave im hurting her..im selfish I dont appreciate anything good she ever did - and shell say things like what about our son, look what youl do to him if you leave. yea im still sitting here..loosing my mind. - through the years she bought all my gear i work with now, i built things up to make it all i do..she always told me to do the music and dont worry about anything else, and we never needed anything...i tried to get her into the music with me..putting her in the center as i just made the music..now cause I cant work with her being loaded, Im the one whos ruining it all..and i dont get to take anything..just my cloths, no phone. nothing.. just as i came into this relationship..is how ill leave.
Im tired of hiding this..and im tired for tryen now...aint got anything left, just the shame of believing all this was worth something ..soo burnt out from all this, im so done with it all.