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Dec 12 2021


 
So today I come to finally realize a thing after having gone through this last incident, and there have been many,  and that Is that she is a literal classic 5150 personality, but it doesn't express the full display of this unless the conditions distress or threaten her ability to have her way, in particular circumstances the acting out can be minimal yet apparent, none threatening to herself, yet very obvious symptomatic reactions..classic rage and uncontrollable lashing out at her surroundings, one might find the need to back away, but stand guard.   Now, having mentioned that, I need to now mention that I have repeatedly come across the level up to this one particulate emotional place..that it WILL become violent,  and she does come to display this in the form of raging out repeated blows to her self, she will ball up her fist and beat her head, chest, legs, and on occasion she reaches out to objects nearby to use to hit her self. I believe in having gone through many of these incidents that to try and stop her is a risk, but can be managed. she can be talked down on occasion, I find that its a volatile place that mainly involves her self harming herself and not outright being something she has come to attack my person physically.  I cant say for sure that this is a not a possibility, I see that when she is "uncontrollable"  that is what i mean..restraining is necessary, its a delicate place to be. and anything could show up in that place , and at this time from having gone through the many times before, its a place that escalates. and the reactions now are outright displays that reach exorcist proportions. Screaming like a banshee, throwing of things, punching of walls, violent body shaking and twitching, a state of irrational thinking and acting out. through my years of living on the streets i have run across these people under these same spells and generally always have that 5150 as a tag to there names. I tried to undermine this aspect about her and just wrote it off, people get upset right? i mean i have been in places like this myself, I get pushed to being angry and I get upset, I know that under certain circumstance's I can loose my shit. I don't go off on myself like mentioned above, and its a rare time, when I punched a wall, I many times I have walked myself away from circumstances that I can see ahead of time that will take me to that place. I find myself needing to walk away from her when she gets emotional and starts to attack my reasoning many times..and this is the thing..i cant be putting myself in the mix of her going 5150, I KNOW I am not qualified to deescalate things at the levels shes now taking things. I am writing this to activate this as proof, that I have asked for help.
She is conniving, deceitful, and now, I am adding a tag of 5150.
she steals, lies, and has no moral investments in any of the classic paths I know of. She fronts as Buddest, not invested in practicing anything, says its a thing you dont need practice.  go figure. involves her days isolation herself and investigating and watching documentary's or TV series on criminal behavior or on drug addicts, anything that involves compulsive out of control lifestyles. spent most of her days loaded on pain meds to the degree it was obvious out of control , being called on it she fails to admit she has a problem. yet rationalizing that its me who is seeing things, imagining her loaded etc..even if you find her passed out high, (often the case) waking her up from these repeatedly she comes up with reasons outside being loaded. hell Im not even allowed to say the word in her presence, one of the many descriptive words banned from our relationship vocabulary. 

Anyway.. buys drugs online, or through friends, hides them, takes them, and I am put into the position to disperse her prescriptions, to keep things sane, yet, she steals them back to 'hide for rainy days'. leading me on endless campaigns of my hopes for a change, keeping my good nature emotionally hostage to her beck and call, not having any regard to the damage over time this has cost our relationship or my heart. also finding her undermining  points through many a conversations, of her growing mocking attitude of my pursuits to be a spiritually connected person.  I try not to take offense in these statements seeing she is highly invested and involved in the lifestyle shes is in. right? I cant save her, I know, I can only show her what works for me, and if she still can't see how it works for me. I move on. 
In this case i have to move on, or get a 3rd party to sit through this with me.